HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A HELL ROOM!
I swear a lot in this post, because I'm sharing trauma from a former road comc. (me)
Speakers: “We have it hard some times!”
Comedians: “Hold my beer!”
Yes, speakers…. Zoom presentations can lack fun. Lunch and learns can be lackluster. Early sessions during events can stink, too.
Comedians have their versions of those venues… and after you read this, you might think “Damn, I don’t have it so bad.”
I was a regular at LA clubs like The Improv, The Comedy Store, and the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, where Jay Leno performs every Sunday.
These are “A” rooms. Comedians love “A” rooms. But in order to get there, you have to go through the “B” rooms, the “C” rooms and the worst of all, the “Hell” rooms.
There are approximately 10 things that can go wrong in a venue for comedy and if a room checks off 4 or more of them …
You’re in a hell room. You’re in Comedy Hell.
Here are 10 things that can go wrong in a room!
This isn’t a how-to… there’s nothing you can learn from this. (Other than gratitude, I guess!)
First of all, what’s an “A” room?
It’s one that’s set up well for comedy. They are acoustically sound and as distraction free as you can be for a business that serves food and drinks.
What’s a Hell Room?
A hell room is a place that was too messed up to be featured on “Bar Rescue.”
It’s a place that John Taffer would be screaming at the health department to shut down.
But that’s not the only kind of hell room. It can also be a college cafeteria at noon, or an Elks club where you are opening up for a raffle.
There are 10 or 12 things that can go wrong at a gig.
And if 4 of them happen, it's a hell room and you are in for a soul sucking evening as a performer.
The List - Basic Stuff!
·Shitty Stage: You're lucky they give you something to stand on. Tiny stage, no stage, or giant stage that's too high or too low. One of my fondest memories was watching the late great 6’4” Patrice O O’Neal standing on a 3x3 stage 4" off the floor.
No lighting or bad lighting: Shocker! Audiences tune out when they can’t see you. It happens, fam.
Audience is too far away and won't move closer: Happens all the time. People feel less engaged the further away they are sitting.
Ceiling is too high: Architecture plays a huge part in standup. Acoustics are everything and low ceilings are friends to comic. Also beware of rugs rather than hardwood floors.
Crap money: Nuff said.
Small crowd / no crowd. This will have you yearning for a zoom show.
The List - Advanced Nonsense. Like “Are you kidding?” Nope, I’m not.
TV is on during a sporting event: Just because it’s “comedy night” doesn’t mean they’re going to turn the game off. It’s on, baby! With volume up, during your set. Now add a sports obsessed Boston audience to the mix. (At least it’s not Philly fans) One of my favorite stories is Boston comedy legend Mike Donovan doing a set in front of a TV during a Red Sox playoff game. He decided to make it part of the show and narrate the game. Late inning moment: “A slugger at the plate hits a fly to the outfield and while the ball is mid-air… ” Just then, Mike grabbed the remote and turned off the TV just to torture the crowd as much as they were torturing them. (SPEAKERS THERE IS NOTHING TO LEARN HERE SO JUST ENJOY THE PAIN)
Bartender is making blender drinks during the show: Usually during your punchline.
Bad Opening Act: Bad Opening Acts are harbingers of miserable gigs for headliners. Either, 1) They bomb so horribly they leave you to deal with an audience that no longer believes anything in the world will ever be funny again. OR 2) You end up with an opener known as a “show-ruin-er,” a comic whose only skills are a) working the crowd into a frenzy using local references and b) shitting on the audience. In any case, your opener can raise you up or leave you wishing you were stuck in a long elevator ride with 5 people farting on you.
No one to bring you up: This happens 50% of the time in “satellite” rooms. And by satellite, I mean Chinese restaurants. The headliner refuses to intro you, no one in the venue will intro you, so you have to literally walk up on stage cold to no applause and intro yourself. Great times!
Ok, there was a lot of cussing in this post. But I promise you, I am a pro & have the client list to prove it. If you’re passionate about leveling up your storytelling and want to learn how to make your stories strong AND infuse them with humor, join me at…
“Finding the Funny: Creating Stories that Stick”
a 3 day virtual seminar on 5/30-6/1.
Info HERE. Use discount code CHRIS25 to get 25% off. (OFFER ENDS TODAY!!!)
It’s a truly unique storytelling workshop and the ONLY ONE hosted by a TV Showrunner/Writer/Producer for Emmy Winning shows (me) and a World Champion Speaker, Darren LaCroix
I love teaching this class and I promise you it will transform your stories!
Long drive. This is a given on most hell gigs. The longer you have to drive to a non full time comedy room, the better the chance that gig will suck. Lots can go wrong on the road. I drove to upstate NY once and my car broke down in a neighborhood where all the street lights were shot out. Some dude guy rolled up in my car and said "you better to get your ass out of here" and then drove away.
Bad sound system / no sound system. In more sensory deprivation news, the sound system goes out. This used to happen several times a year when I was on the skunk tour. When people can’t hear, they tend to talk to each other. And you will have a long time on that damn tiny stage in the dark after the crappy opening act has lulled the crowd into a dumb place you will not get them out of.
Nuclear Hecklers : This is farther down the list than you'd probably expect because this is rare. You are very likely to run into hecklers at these gigs, and if you are at all experienced (and a lot of comedians will kill me for saying this) it might help your show. That's a separate listicle. If you are doing a set in an “A” room, you probably don't want a heckler because those venues are good opportunities to work on your art. Most hecklers are pretty easy for an experienced comic to deal with, but a NUCLEAR heckler is that rare asshole that's really skilled at fucking up your show. Ex: A drunk owner (you know the guy who pays you), or the guy that just whispered "you suck" at you so no one could hear you and made you look like a crazy person when you snapped at him. Luckily these monsters are rarely than Panda Bears. But they happen, and yes, that happened to me.
I honestly don’t know how you are going to feel about this, dear reader, but much like watching a reality show, maybe enjoy that what you just experienced IS NOT YOU!
So true! Every word. This list is a great source of gratitude for anything but these rooms.